I've Heard Talking Helps
by the mean spleen
Summary: Logan goes to an unusual meeting to air his problems. It's another of those stupid things. Please read, you might enjoy it.
1. Default Chapter Title

Disclaimer. It's explained below why these are so important. Marvel are marvellous.

Author's notes: This is the first of a two part story. This is meant to be stupid so don't anyone take anything personally from what the various characters say. Any similarity to writers living or dead is unintentionally. Thanks go out to Smokey's better half, you know who you are.

He walked the unfamiliar school halls with his usual sense of boldness. No unwanted memories of detentions or school crushes flooded back to him. Perhaps having your memory wiped wasn't all that bad. He passed a couple in the hall, a regular pair giggling happily to themselves. They opened the door he just passed and entered. He snuck back to see where they had gone. Cooking 101 the makeshift sign on the door said. 

"Isn't adult education marvellous?" he thought bitterly to himself. 

He looked down at the scrape of paper in his hands again. Room 402 was scribbled down in his unreadable scrawl. He looked at the next door he came to. 306. He needed to go up a floor. After trudging up the stairs and checking four more doors, he finally found the room he was looking for. 

M. T. 101.

He opened the door quietly and tried to slip as best he could but all the people in the room watched him carefully. He sat down on the rather uncomfortable chairs that were supplied and looked at his feet, feeling slightly uncomfortable with all the eyes on him. He could hear a few of the "regulars" talking in hushed tones. He figured he could hear specifics if he wanted to, but decided the less he knew the better.

Though he knew many of the people here, Logan had been warned more then once that on no accounts was he to act like he knew he anyone here. It was supposed to be one of those groups like AA where no one used their full names, just their first.

Finally the spokesman of the group, if that's what he was called here, brought the meeting to order.Though he couldn't rise from the wheelchair he was in, everyone gave him their full attention none the less.

"Hello everyone, it's good to see you all again. As you have all no doubt noticed, we have a new member today. Why don't you all say hello."

Everyone in the room turned to Logan and began saying their hellos, some with more enthusiasm then others. Some with no pretence of enthusiasm at all. 

"For your benefit, my name is Charles and I'm the leader of this little group."

An elderly white haired man over in the corner sighed at this.

"Well as you seem eager to get started, why don't you go first," Charles said, a slight frown on his face.

The white haired man stood up and looked around the room. "Hello, my name is Eric and I'm a mutant."

At this, everyone in the room said "Hello, Eric" One of the guys next to him even gave him a pat on the back as if he had just told them a great secret.

"How has the week been for you Eric?" Charles asked.

"It started well enough. After our last meeting, I felt empowered once again. I felt that I had found my drive again for world domination, but as the week went on, I lost that feeling and just sank into depression again."

"What triggered the dive into depression, Eric?"

"Well, I had just completed my latest device, an upgraded version of the "Instant-Human-To-Mutant-Matic 2000® when disaster struck. Two of my henchmen were playing a game of football when one of their passes went astray and the receiver crashed into my machine, destroying weeks of work. Those fools, do they realize.." his voice rose.

  


"Now Eric, what have we said about blaming others?" Charles interrupted him before he got further inflamed.

"That I should be smart enough to foresee the shortcomings of others."

"Exactly. You feel let down by those around you Eric. But remember, you are the mutant master of magnetism. You don't find many of those around the place. You can always build another world domination machine, but you can't rebuild the friendships you have made with your henchmen."

One of the others nodded in agreement with Charles and said softly, "He's right."

Charles continued, "I think Eric that maybe you should tell your henchmen how much the machine meant to you and how much it hurt when it was destroyed. By explaining this to them, you can all come to a more harmonious existence."

Eric nodded at these sagely words and seemed content that he had said and heard enough.

Charles turned his head to face Logan. 

"As the newcomer, why don't you tell us about yourself?" he asked pleasantly.

Logan stood up slowly and looked around the room, his face stuck between a weak smile and a frown.

"Hi, I'm ahh, Logan and I guess I'm a mutant."

Immediately, everyone in the room applauded his bravery. The lady next to him nodded and shook his hand, congratulating him on this breakthrough.

"What has brought you to us Logan?" Charles asked calmly.

Logan scrunched up his face, almost too embarrassed to say it.

"Go on, there's no need hide anything." A guy with strange red glasses said.

Logan finally started. 

"Well, it's these damn fanfic writers."

This obviously was a common problem as a number in the room nodded and seemed to understand instantly what he was talking about.

"Go on."

"Well, okay. Look at me right. Other then the hair and the healing thing, I'm a pretty normal guy. Okay, now I'll be the first to admit I'm a bit cranky from time to time but no where in my bio does it say I have such serious relationship problems."

"Sorry" Charles said not sure of what he heard.

"Well, these fanfic writers, they're forever trying to fix me up with the young girl of the day. First it was Jubilee. Then last summer, all of a sudden it became Marie or Rogue or whatever the hell she's called now. And for those that get over the whole paedophile thing we move into the adultery arena with Jean. And get this, if it's not one of those two situations, then I'm teamed up _with some new creation that will, I can guarantee, die in tragic circumstances with me choking back the tears and acting all manly." _

He paused for breath.

"Look, It's bad enough that I have to be in a relationship where I'm probably three to four times the age of my partner, but the romance has to be this long, soppy, deep emotional thing. I hate to break it to people but I'm as deep as a puddle. I want to sit in a nice chair and smoke a pipe and discuss the topics of the day with people my own age. I just really want to be able to act my age, but instead I've got to act like a pumped up teenager. It's just frustrating is all."

Charles looked thoughtful.

"Though the specifics of each case are quite different, the problems with these fanfic writers are quite common. More then one of our group here have had their own problems with the writers."

Logan looked relieved, glad that he wasn't the only one.

"It's hard, Logan, to recommend a solution, as after all, the writers are pretty much the puppet masters when it comes to our lives. The only sacrifice they need make is a disclaimer at the start of their pieces and then they can slaughter us, as they feel fit. I'm afraid you just have to realise is that for some strange reason you have been picked to be fulfil the experienced father figure role in the romances that get written. It could be worse, believe you me."

Logan nodded slightly. He wasn't entirely satisfied. After all when he left the building, god knows what romance he was going to be plunged into. He sat down and tried to appear dignified as a young girl across the way looked at him with big doe eyes. 

"Speaking of hard places, Scott, how's your week been?"

Scott signed and stood up. He spoke slowly, his voice tired. "Hi, I'm Scott and a mutant punching bag."

Rather then clapping, some people sniggered.

"Now, now, Scott. Have some confidence in yourself."

"It's becoming too hard to have confidence in myself. I have been killed once this week. Beaten severely a number of time, called a dork or some equivalent too many times to count and Jean has left me twice to be with Logan."

"Much like the previous speaker, Scott, you have a difficult role. People seem to either love or loathe you. It's just sad that those that loathe you are far more vocal. Remember, Scott, that in many ways you are the centre of the universe as far as we go. The amount of timelines you are responsible for is just mind-boggling. You've just to roll with these punches until they find a new punching bag." 

Scott sat down, completely unimpressed with the advice he got. Mostly because it was useless.

Charles looked around at the group. "Maybe we should take a break for a while. Whose turn was it to bring the cookies?"

All eyes turned to Marie/Rogue/Whatever who was busy stuffing her mouth while looking at Logan who was trying hard to look anywhere else.

"Marie/Rogue/Whatever, you've not starting binging again have you?" 

Marie/Rogue/Whatever replied sadly. "Ah have. He doesn't love me any more." And she burst into tears, spreading bits of chocolate chip cookie everywhere. 

"Now, now Marie/Rogue/Whatever. We've discussed the fact that eating is not a substitute. It's not the solution to your problem."

Marie/Rogue/Whatever leapt to the floor, the sides of her mouth covered in chocolate. "It's that bitch. She's ruined everything." Marie/Rogue/Whatever got ready to leap at Jean who sat angelically with her legs crossed, not even bothering to look at the spitfire that was about to jump her. She knew that the young girl would be intercepted. 

Marie/Rogue/Whatever aimed a large kick at Jean's head but instead it caught Scott as he got in the way of his princess. So instead of finding Jean, the kick instead landed squarely in Scott's groin. (Don't ask how that works physically speaking, it just seems like the right thing to do.) 

Marie/Rogue/Whatever was mortified, Jean unworried and Scott balled up on the floor. "This is getting ridiculous," he said through clenched teeth. His face rapidly drained of colour. "I came here to get away from this type of thing."

Charles looked slightly worried. "Marie/Rogue/Whatever, be careful. His groin's responsible for at least one major timeline."

Marie/Rogue/Whatever knelt down next to Scott, "Ah'm so sorry Scott." 

"Don't worry about it." Scott said in a high, high voice.

"Ah can't do anything right." Marie/Rogue/Whatever cried and she ran from the room.

Charles almost stood up until he remembered he couldn't. "Someone ought to go after her."

All eyes looked at Logan.

"Forget it, I'm thinking about my pension plan."

Charles shook his head and signed. 

To be continued… After all, there's a few more left in the circle of death yet.


	2. Default Chapter Title

Disclaimer. It's explained below why these are so important. Marvel is truly marvellous.

Author's notes: This is the second of a two-part story. I must confess I'm overwhelmed at the positive feedback the first part generated. While it's a nice problem to have, I fear that the second part can never live up to it. I don't know if other writers find this but when you write something, you no longer find it's funny so it's hard to judge what's good or what's not. By the way I commit most of the writing crimes contained in this story so I'm not taking pokes at people. Anyway, thanks for reading. Thanks go out to Smokey's better half. Remember people, keep it frosty.

"We'll give her some time to collect her self. Why don't we have some coffee while we wait for her to cool down." 

The group rose up and broke up into smaller groups. They all (except Jean, who knew that Scott would bring her a cup of whatever she requested) sauntered over to the small table where the espresso machine sat.

Some of them spoke to each other while Logan sauntered around at the back of the queue. One of the others, Toad, came over to him. He spook in a chirpy English accent. "Listen, We know what you're going through. You just gotta know that you ain't alone."

Logan nodded quickly just to be rid of the fellow who struck him as slightly creepy.

They all stood around drinking their coffee (except for Jean who sat with Scott, who was tending painfully to her every whim.) After five or so minutes of idle small talk, Marie/Rogue/Whatever finally came back in. She looked down at the floor and spoke in her smallest voice possible. 

"Ah'm so sorry for my outburst. Ah don't know what came over me. It won't happen again."

Charles nodded and smiled at the young girl. The rest of the group retook their seats and Charles looked around to see a rather eager Toad looking back at him. 

"Toad, you've got something?"

He stood up and shuffled in his large black leather jacket. "I'm Toad and I'm a mutant."

A few people politely clapped, which caused Toad's face to lighten up even further. He looked Logan in the face as he spoke.

"Yeah that's more like it. See, these people are only clapping to be polite, not 'cause they want to. I'm a henchman, a lackey, whatever you like to call it. Always have been, always was meant to be. I like doing the dirty work and being looked down on. It's what I was created for. Then that bloody movie came out, and it's all gone to hell."

He pointed at Logan

"You've always had to deal with that romance thing and you've grown accustomed to it. But that crap's not supposed to happen to me. I'm suppose to inspire disgust and distaste and instead, those, those writers, they adore me."

He started to pace nervously.

"They write stories about me being this charming guy and stuff. They write stories all about me and some of you here. They even write stories where it's," he paused to swallow, "them and me, and how great I am and stuff. They make me sound like Brad Pitt with bad skin. I know for a fact that if I put on red and black face paint, some of them will be unable to breathe for a week. It's not supposed to be like that. I just want to, I just want it to go back to the way it was. I want to be detested again"

Charles looked on sadly as it seemed that Toad might start crying. Instead he manfully clenched his jaw and sat back down, and looked straight ahead and into space.

"There, there Toad, we know your pain. It seems that you and Logan share the curse of being seen as romantic leads."

Toad immediately jumped up and started ranting.

"But I'm not the leading character, I'm part of the supporting cast. I'm there to make up the numbers. It could have easily been any other character. I hardly even had lines for God's sake."

"Toad, calm yourself. We've talked about insulting the writers and the damage that can lead to."

Toad sat down once again, a slightly fearful look on his face. He looked at the roof, almost afraid that one of those self same authors was looking down on him now, a lusty gleam in their eye.

Charles looked at him for a moment before regarding the blue skinned Mystique.

She took her cue and stood up gracefully and looked around the room. Her otherworldly voice seemed small and demure but it still echoed oddly in the hall. "I'm Mystique and I'm a mutant."

The room applauded her. She held her hands together in front of her stomach and looked at the floor, looking very shy all of a sudden.

"I feel a little foolish airing my little complaint when so many of you have such serious issues to deal with. Anyway, for my part, I have little issue with the fanfic people. They're only doing what comes natural to them, taking an image from a screen or a similar source and assimilating it to suit their own needs. I do it myself all the time." 

She sighed for a moment before continuing. 

"It's just sad that the prominent image of myself at the moment is that of a clothes shy mannequin. Don't get me wrong, I just love the new figure, I even like the scales, and the wet hair is a very nice touch but please, can't you give me my dignity. I really do need some clothing. Even a bikini or something small will do. It gets cold during the winter, you know? Especially in the cave where Erik refuses to get central heating put in. I don't know about you but I don't think hypothermia is a very dignified death for a super villain."

"Not to mention the fact that I can't do anything around the cave without causing a stir. The last time I bent over to pick up a dropped spoon, Erik almost had a cardiac arrest."

At this Eric blushed slightly and pretended to be looking elsewhere.

Mystique looked up at the roof much like Toad was doing. 

"If any of you are listening, I'm just the biggest fan of Chanel, Versace is nice too, though a little bit flashy. Thank you in advance."

She smiled weakly at the assembled group and sat down, careful to cross her legs as Logan, who sat across the way from her, was starting to bend his head to an odd angle. 

Seeing Logan's look, Marie/Rogue/Whatever who sat next to Mystique, immediately shoved an elbow into her ribs and leaped up. 

"You conniving blue bitch. Don't you even look at him, you shape shifting witch. His mine, all mine."

Charles nodded his head and Scott made his way (slowly) over to Marie/Rogue/Whatever and tried to restrain her without doing himself any more damage. Charles spoke softly to her. 

"Marie/Rogue/Whatever, Marie/Rogue/Whatever, settle down, please."

Marie/Rogue/Whatever allowed Scott to lead her back to her seat, which he moved a distance away from Mystique for safety sake. Marie/Rogue/Whatever gave the rather innocent looking Mystique the evil eye. 

"I've got my eye on you," she said unable to hide the menace in her voice. 

Charles waited as a very stiff Scott made his way back to his own seat. 

"How about you Jean? Anything strange?"

Jean looked like a marble statue. She turned her head slightly to regard the Professor and spoke, her voice saturated with a contented air.

"Life is great, Professor."

She smiled at him, then smiled at everyone in the room. 

"Why's that Jean?" Charles asked, already knowing the answer but asking anyway.

"I've got everything a woman could wish for. A respectable job, a good home and a man who would, and has, bent over backwards for me." She smiled at Scott who tried to smile back but was still in too much pain to manage anything approaching charming.

She looked away from him, and regarded Logan, her voice got softer, "And when I get tired of him, there's always that hairy animal over there who's more then happy to look after my every want and need."

She almost licked her lips as she said it. Logan looked uncomfortable, and Scott continued to grimace. Marie/Rogue/Whatever on the other hand, exploded into action again, provoked by Jean's fragrant attraction to her man. She started to run at Jean but Toad caught her mid way.

"You two-timing tramp! Ah'm gonna rip out your.." she suddenly paid attention to Toad, who was holding her easily in the air, "hey Ah never noticed how good you look in this Jacket, Toad. Say, you don't have any dog tags you could give me."

"Oh for God's sake, don't start." Toad said as he let go of her quickly and rushed back to his own seat. Marie/Rogue/Whatever let her eyes linger on him as she made her own way back. She stared at him with the big doe eyes on full beam as she ate her next cookie. Toad almost disappeared into his jacket. 

Jean, seeing that the ruckus was over, merely looked at the professor again and stated simply. 

"As I said, life is good."

Charles nodded slowly. "So it would seem. And last but not least, Ororo, you're up."

The weather goddess rose majestically and scanned the room regally. She spoke with as much authority as one could with an accent that seemed to come on and off of its own accord. 

"My request is simple. I want my cartoon voice back. "

Erik almost started laughing at this, which brought him a sharp glare from the weather witch. 

"Sorry," he mumbled.

"That's what I mean. My comic voice had stature and resonance. When I spoke, people would down tools just to hear its elegant beauty. But this movie voice is just very whiney. At the very least, I want my old voice back. If that much occurred, I wouldn't make an issue of the hair."

Logan spoke up. "I think your hair is nice."

Hearing this compliment to a female other then her, Marie/Rogue/Whatever awoke from her newfound infatuation with that small English guy and let rip into Storm. 

"You white wig wearing wench. You think you can steal him out from under me. I'll kill you."

Charles just put his head in his hands and shook it. One thing was certain about this entire problem airing business, that girl had issues. He looked at his watch as a number of people tried to restrain a very energetic Marie/Rogue/Whatever. It was getting on, he decided. Time to end things.

He spoke over Marie/Rogue/Whatever who was screaming at every female in the room. "Well folks, this seems as good a time as any to end for the evening. I hope you all find more happiness this week then last and I look forward to meeting you next week."

With that people began making their way out, like school kids released from their daily sentence. Charles watched them all go. Once they were all gone, he slid his hand under the table in front of him and clicked off the tape recorder. His therapist was going to have a field day with this. 


End file.
